the only paradise

fevermelt @ 2009-08-05T06:53:00

2009-08-05T10:56:33Z

shockingly, this summer didn't get a whole hell of a lot better than the fall or spring that came before it. yes, i am rested, yes, i did spend 90% of my time sleeping or reading. but my social life hasn't changed, if anything it's gotten worse.
i realized today that i can't even be with my two best friends. one, because she is constantly in the company of her boyfriend who doesn't appear to respect my right to see her more than once a month. and the other, because we can't do anything unless we're smoking weed or she's unhappy because she isn't smoking weed.
am i really supposed to stay 100% supportive of this? fuck that. i'm just ready to go, at the moment i'm no longer a little sad to be leaving.
i love these people, but at least i can tell when a relationship is taking a toll on me. i can't compete with these outside influences anymore, and i'm kind of tired of trying.

fevermelt @ 2009-03-16T23:02:00

2009-03-17T03:06:09Z

i am generally dissatisfied with my life at the moment. but what's new? i miss being content and mostly happy with everything. all of this school work and preparing for college and the stress of not knowing if it will even have been worth it is getting to me. my self-esteem is low, my social life is practically in ruins, and i am mentally exhausted.
this isn't me; i miss feeling vibrant and intellectual and interested in the world.
ugh, can't wait until the end of may.

also, being sick with fevers for five days blows.

on the bright side, she could choke

2009-01-14T03:50:16Z

I am seriously concerned about you. What the fuck is going on with you and your attendance? How do I manage to have a 95 in a class that we're equally capable in, but you're failing? Why are you avoiding me? How hard is it to return a text message saying 'my bad, i fucked up'? What the fuck are you doing? I know you're ready to be out and you have a lot of stress, but I find it blatantly stupid that you can go out every single night but you can't even pull a C in classes that aren't teacher assisting. You could at least do your homework somewhere else if you absolutely must get out of your house, which I understand.
Stupid. It's frustrating me. Doesn't help that you fucked up a deadline for me and your boyfriend undermined my responsibilities. Oh, sorry I'm not an EMT. How noble, I am nothing in his presence.
My concern manifests itself as anger. My stress manifests itself as anger. Just angry.

/vent

fail

2009-01-07T11:08:45Z

aaaand then i went back to school

fevermelt @ 2009-01-05T19:49:00

2009-01-06T00:51:03Z

the extra-long, relatively stress-free holiday break has restored some marginal bit of my former self. can't wait until things slow down at the end of may and actually become exciting and senior-year-y! and then summer, when i have absolutely nothing to do but lay about, wander around outdoors, and drink profusely with my friends. ah, it makes me happy just thinking about it.

manna is a hell of a drug

2008-12-24T05:15:45Z

why won't your ghost let go of me? my other ghosts are too far gone to recall, but here you are, reappearing and disappearing and taunting and being utterly happy in your own ghostly life. god, i don't even make any sense. i'm sick of the tiniest things setting me off, of too much closeness and being too far away. i'm really especially tired of delayed regret and all the shit i've taken and given that has stemmed from this.
just go away, or let me go away.
god, august, come.

fevermelt @ 2008-12-02T19:18:00

2008-12-03T00:19:03Z

i don't like your girlfriend because she's your girlfriend. which is sad, because i'd probably rather like her otherwise.

fevermelt @ 2008-11-04T06:02:00

2008-11-04T11:05:49Z

I love how, about twice a year, my dad turns something I do into his problem and goes berserk. Apparently nicking SUVs in parking lots is cause for him to move out, since I'm quite obviously the Antichrist and I was lying about everything.
IT IS NOT FUCKING ABOUT YOU. I do not fuck shit up solely to waste your hard-earned money. I fuck shit up because I am seventeen years old and totally imperfect.
Also, for 17 years I have dealt with your tendency to blow my every move extravagantly out of proportion. Every time, I say I'm not going to put up with this shit any longer but my mom stops me. Fuck that this time.
You want a war, you got a war.

fevermelt @ 2008-10-20T22:55:00

2008-10-21T02:56:13Z

apparently people don't always get better with age, they get more idiotic.

fevermelt @ 2008-10-05T18:01:00

2008-10-05T22:02:55Z

If your life goes in cycles and there are troughs, expansions, contractions, and booms, then I better be about as close to the trough as I can get. My life isn't terrible, its just so under stimulating and a little too busy. I could handle the busy with more finesse if I had a more exciting social life in the works.
Blah, lackluster.

world

2008-09-16T22:38:01Z

no one let me forget that as soon as i get out of (hopefully) graduate school, i am working for 6 months to a year, saving up money, and then backpacking through europe and maybe parts of asia.
no one let me say that i can't do it for some reason. i won't look back in thirty years and think, "fuck, why didn't i just go for it?"

where i want to go:

greece--athens, santorini
crete
portugal
italy--rome, venice, milan
france--paris, lyon, avignon
germany/austria--berlin, vienna
lithuania
russia--moscow, st. petersburg
sweden--copenhagen
ireland
united kingdom--london
turkey--istanbul, ankara, cappadocia
cyprus
malta
wherever else i end up

fevermelt @ 2008-09-08T06:12:00

2008-09-08T10:15:47Z

my life would be a lot simpler if i could just love those who love me, and not those who reject me. my life would be a lot simpler if i were less proud, or less stubborn, or didn't feel the need to prove myself. my life would be a lot simpler if i were a lot simpler, but in all of my complexity i understand myself with rather surprising clarity. i just can't change anything i see.
and usually i don't want to.

stood ass up

2008-08-30T04:43:58Z

i didn't put myself out there to get deceived into being treated like this for absolutely no reason. i swear to god you don't even know you're playing the game, and it's like running head first into a fucking solid wall.
when you've got something to say to me, go for it, but until then don't expect to have a conversation with me.

la historia del arte

2008-08-26T01:31:51Z

i know i love learning, but i've never loved to learn so much as i do right now in this art history class. i'm so on top of it, even though it's online and knowing me i should be behind like three lessons. it excites me when i find a work of art in a lesson that i've seen in real life.
i should really do this for a living, or at least for four more years and then get my master's in historic preservation.
i wish i had an apartment across the street from the met. mmz, the life.

pre-hurricane

2008-08-19T01:36:00Z

i am incredibly freaking bored right now survey.
on livejournal? yeah, i don't know.
i wish i knew what was going on here, i wish this was simpler for me than it has turned out to be.

13 random things you like:
naps
history
excessively long books
nature walks
wandering
organizing
foreign-language films
savanna animals
iced toffee nut lattes
large bodies of water, i.e. the ocean
georgia/the good ol' south
pretending to play tennis
house

12 good movies:
the united states of leland/anything with ryan gosling in it
not jumper
the departed
boondock saints
eastern promises
wicker park
the graduate
pan's labyrinth!
spirited away
the painted veil/whatever edward norton happens to be in
the great escape
a guide to recognizing your saints

11 good bands/singers:
brand new
eric clapton
band of horses
the police
bon iver
iron & wine
the shins
coldplay
minus the bear
modest mouse
journeyyyy

10 things about you physically:
butt butt butt butt butt
not-particularly blue eyes
some
other
stuff
i
don't
care
about
butt butt butt butt butt?

9 good friends:
kassia
abbey
andrea
matty
clay
ana
mike
chris
not much anyone else

8 Favorite things to drink/eat:
coffee of any sort
tea of any sort
french fries
sushi
french onion soup
strawberries
spicy chicken sandwiches
anything in abbey's house just to make her mom say something

7 things you wear daily:
don't
think
i
wear
seven
things
daily

6 things that annoy you:
being ignored
inconsiderate people
certain kinds of black people/white people
people in general
not getting enough sleep
my mom nagging

5 things you touch everyday:
hair
face
sheets
gita, my cat
the carpet

4 shows you watch:
house
the riches
greek
miscellaneous other shows i don't care about

3 things you look for in a girl/guy:
wide vocabulary/high level of intelligence
unadulterated sarcasm
spontaneity

2 things you hate:
waking up
sleeping too much

1 thing/person you love:
the outdoors

three month

2008-08-14T12:23:21Z

c'mon, august, do me right this time

fevermelt @ 2008-08-03T11:14:00

2008-08-03T15:18:04Z

seriously, just when i think i've lost all faith in my mantra that everything changes and nothing can remain static forever, things do change! i thought i was going to go insane from boredom/understimulation/loneliness and maybe that four-month panic attack i was having over casey was just made worse by the fact that i couldn't seem to find anyone else.
good things come to those who wait? that's bullshit, but i guess it worked this time.
btw, i'm really excited about everything. i missed being happy.

sway

2008-07-31T14:29:08Z

i feel like i've had tachycardia for days, or that my lungs are constricted just so; i don't know why my body is so restless. yesterday was one of the better days i've had in a while, and i'm interested in seeing where this goes.
i wish summer weren't ending so soon, but i really needed august to come to resolve all of my issues (or at least shove them to the back of my mind).
lookin' forward to senior year; not lookin' forward to all my ap classes.

fevermelt @ 2008-07-13T18:51:00

2008-07-13T22:52:04Z

ahhhhhhhh, there is hope, after all!
oh god, i'm so excited

right

2008-07-10T01:11:08Z

i'm so over everything

wow

2008-07-04T14:08:22Z

honestly, my life just wouldn't be my life without incredibly strange days like yesterday. drunken, overtly emotional, somewhat awkward. i am constantly reminded of how it has always been with clay and i and how it probably always will be, no matter how far apart we are physically. i probably said way too much yesterday and it will probably come back to bite me in the ass because sometimes i don't trust clay to keep his mouth shut, but then again he probably feels the same way. kind of scares me, though, i haven't seen clay act so... careful around me in a very long time. but now i'm paranoid, and am probably going to walk around on alert 24/7 thinking people know more than they need to about me. i realize this doesn't make sense to anyone except perhaps kassia.
fuck! i shouldn't get drunk with clay, and i shouldn't answer clay's phone without looking at who's calling

soldier on

2008-06-24T00:35:09Z

surely i can wait it out until august, when the backup comes back home and perhaps the magic of the three-month plan will work in my favor
as of right now i have to be content with a trip to new york city, a shitload of shopping, working out so much that i'm dizzy on the way home, and taking hardcore naps
i'll be okay, i'm embracing my forced and not-so-forced alone time

and i'm starting ap art history online! i'm excited, because my stupid school doesn't offer it and it would be extremely helpful when i'm college-bound for a major in art conservation
mm, everything isn't so bad at all; the relationship aspect of my life just needs a little dusting off

girl

2008-06-16T00:54:41Z

HURRY UP AND FUCK IT UP ALREADY
patience is not my strong suit
i hope that camp is as scandalous as abbey says...

fevermelt @ 2008-06-06T13:08:00

2008-06-06T17:09:32Z

god, you must have been so disappointed in me. why did i let my fear take over? i'm braver than that.

be my mirror, my sword, my shield

2008-06-04T02:47:31Z

"for some reason i can't explain, once you'd gone there was never, never an honest work"
this is true of me, what good have i done in a year? i have strengthened no foundations, fixed no problems, forged very little new
fuck, doldrum

btw there is no describing my anticipation and excitement for this new coldplay album