shockingly, this summer didn't get a whole hell of a lot better than the fall or spring that came before it. yes, i am rested, yes, i did spend 90% of my time sleeping or reading. but my social life hasn't changed, if anything it's gotten worse.
i realized today that i can't even be with my two best friends. one, because she is constantly in the company of her boyfriend who doesn't appear to respect my right to see her more than once a month. and the other, because we can't do anything unless we're smoking weed or she's unhappy because she isn't smoking weed.
am i really supposed to stay 100% supportive of this? fuck that. i'm just ready to go, at the moment i'm no longer a little sad to be leaving.
i love these people, but at least i can tell when a relationship is taking a toll on me. i can't compete with these outside influences anymore, and i'm kind of tired of trying.

i am generally dissatisfied with my life at the moment. but what's new? i miss being content and mostly happy with everything. all of this school work and preparing for college and the stress of not knowing if it will even have been worth it is getting to me. my self-esteem is low, my social life is practically in ruins, and i am mentally exhausted.
this isn't me; i miss feeling vibrant and intellectual and interested in the world.
ugh, can't wait until the end of may.


also, being sick with fevers for five days blows.

I am seriously concerned about you. What the fuck is going on with you and your attendance? How do I manage to have a 95 in a class that we're equally capable in, but you're failing? Why are you avoiding me? How hard is it to return a text message saying 'my bad, i fucked up'? What the fuck are you doing? I know you're ready to be out and you have a lot of stress, but I find it blatantly stupid that you can go out every single night but you can't even pull a C in classes that aren't teacher assisting. You could at least do your homework somewhere else if you absolutely must get out of your house, which I understand.
Stupid. It's frustrating me. Doesn't help that you fucked up a deadline for me and your boyfriend undermined my responsibilities. Oh, sorry I'm not an EMT. How noble, I am nothing in his presence.
My concern manifests itself as anger. My stress manifests itself as anger. Just angry.

/vent

aaaand then i went back to school

the extra-long, relatively stress-free holiday break has restored some marginal bit of my former self. can't wait until things slow down at the end of may and actually become exciting and senior-year-y! and then summer, when i have absolutely nothing to do but lay about, wander around outdoors, and drink profusely with my friends. ah, it makes me happy just thinking about it.

why won't your ghost let go of me? my other ghosts are too far gone to recall, but here you are, reappearing and disappearing and taunting and being utterly happy in your own ghostly life. god, i don't even make any sense. i'm sick of the tiniest things setting me off, of too much closeness and being too far away. i'm really especially tired of delayed regret and all the shit i've taken and given that has stemmed from this.
just go away, or let me go away.
god, august, come.

i don't like your girlfriend because she's your girlfriend. which is sad, because i'd probably rather like her otherwise.

I love how, about twice a year, my dad turns something I do into his problem and goes berserk. Apparently nicking SUVs in parking lots is cause for him to move out, since I'm quite obviously the Antichrist and I was lying about everything.
IT IS NOT FUCKING ABOUT YOU. I do not fuck shit up solely to waste your hard-earned money. I fuck shit up because I am seventeen years old and totally imperfect.
Also, for 17 years I have dealt with your tendency to blow my every move extravagantly out of proportion. Every time, I say I'm not going to put up with this shit any longer but my mom stops me. Fuck that this time.
You want a war, you got a war.

apparently people don't always get better with age, they get more idiotic.

If your life goes in cycles and there are troughs, expansions, contractions, and booms, then I better be about as close to the trough as I can get. My life isn't terrible, its just so under stimulating and a little too busy. I could handle the busy with more finesse if I had a more exciting social life in the works.
Blah, lackluster.

no one let me forget that as soon as i get out of (hopefully) graduate school, i am working for 6 months to a year, saving up money, and then backpacking through europe and maybe parts of asia.
no one let me say that i can't do it for some reason. i won't look back in thirty years and think, "fuck, why didn't i just go for it?"

where i want to go:

• greece--athens, santorini
• crete
• portugal
• italy--rome, venice, milan
• france--paris, lyon, avignon
• germany/austria--berlin, vienna
• lithuania
• russia--moscow, st. petersburg
• sweden--copenhagen
• ireland
• united kingdom--london
• turkey--istanbul, ankara, cappadocia
• cyprus
• malta
• wherever else i end up

my life would be a lot simpler if i could just love those who love me, and not those who reject me. my life would be a lot simpler if i were less proud, or less stubborn, or didn't feel the need to prove myself. my life would be a lot simpler if i were a lot simpler, but in all of my complexity i understand myself with rather surprising clarity. i just can't change anything i see.
and usually i don't want to.

i didn't put myself out there to get deceived into being treated like this for absolutely no reason. i swear to god you don't even know  you're playing the game, and it's like running head first into a fucking solid wall.
when you've got something to say to me, go for it, but until then don't expect to have a conversation with me.

i know i love learning, but i've never loved to learn so much as i do right now in this art history class. i'm so on top of it, even though it's online and knowing me i should be behind like three lessons. it excites me when i find a work of art in a lesson that i've seen in real life.
i should really do this for a living, or at least for four more years and then get my master's in historic preservation.
i wish i had an apartment across the street from the met. mmz, the life.

c'mon, august, do me right this time

seriously, just when i think i've lost all faith in my mantra that everything changes and nothing can remain static forever, things do change! i thought i was going to go insane from boredom/understimulation/loneliness and maybe that four-month panic attack i was having over casey was just made worse by the fact that i couldn't seem to find anyone else.
good things come to those who wait? that's bullshit, but i guess it worked this time.
btw, i'm really excited about everything. i missed being happy.

i feel like i've had tachycardia for days, or that my lungs are constricted just so; i don't know why my body is so restless. yesterday was one of the better days i've had in a while, and i'm interested in seeing where this goes.
i wish summer weren't ending so soon, but i really needed august to come to resolve all of my issues (or at least shove them to the back of my mind).
lookin' forward to senior year; not lookin' forward to all my ap classes.

ahhhhhhhh, there is hope, after all!
oh god, i'm so excited

i'm so over everything